I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
