You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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