was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
