Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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