I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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