fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
