and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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