That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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