Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
