it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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