sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
