Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
