i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
