Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
