Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
