I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
