You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
