I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
