how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
