so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
