If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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