Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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