Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I need to calm my uterus...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
