Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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