She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
