Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
