tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
