butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's never too late to be topless.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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