He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
