Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
