if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
