so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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