Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
