Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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