My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
