Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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