someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
