Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
