for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
