There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
