I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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