Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
try to milk me bitch
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
