I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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