Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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