So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
