Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
