so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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