ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
