I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
