Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
